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Tonight I'm Gonna Party Like It's 1899
by David Spark
Axcess, August, 1997

y2kgrph.jpg (12253 bytes)Forget Volcano. Forget Twister. Forget The Titanic. The Year 2000 Problem, better known by the George Lucas droid-like acronym - Y2K, is going to be the disaster film to watch. "Luke, beware of the missing evil number 19." If you don’t already know let me clue you in. At exactly 12:00:00 AM, January 1st, 2000 all the computers around the world are going to travel back in time 100 years because nobody thought enough to tell them we’re currently living in the 1900s. And you know what that means for you - huge opportunities. Follow closely and your buddy Dave’s going to tell you how to cash in on the terror of Y2K. Remember, another’s financial detriment can be your salvation.

Lawyers

Salaries will skyrocket for those people who caused the problem in the first place – programmers. But come 1/2/2000, lawyers will sue anyone remotely connected with a business’ failure. Watch all those programming fortunes made on Y2K cycle back into lawyers’ pockets.

If Ain’t Broke, Don’t Fix It

To make money off of Y2K, most people would advise forming a Year 2000 task firm to fix the problem. Great, how the hell do you plan on showing your experience?

"I believe our history solving The Year 1000 Problem speaks for itself."

Plus, after 1/1/2000 what are you going to do? Fix the Y10K Problem? What are you going to do for rent until then? The point is that there’s more money to be made with less work if nobody fixes it.

Business Failures

Depression and failure will result from financially deficient businesses unable to fix the Y2K problem. My advice, sell short now.

Ultimately, Y2K will have to be fixed, and it won’t be cheap - $600 billion. You think the government is going to absorb their share of the costs? I’d advise you not to begin holding your breath. And yes, fixing the problem after Y2K will be more expensive, but if you’re smart, you’ll take advantage of the situation now so you come out ahead in the end.

Unemployment

With all the companies going out of business, unemployment will shoot up. Know what that means for you? A skilled workforce willing to come in at entry level.

 

Bank Account

On January 2, 2000 put $100 in a bank whose computer thinks it’s actually 1/2/1900. When they finally get around to fixing their problem you’ll have accrued 100 years of interest. Whose the Motley Fool now?

Big Money to be Made

Significant investment opportunities are awaiting you at midnight. I’m not talking about the demand for programming talent. Some businesses simply won’t have the money to invest in fixing Y2K and they’ll have no other option but to fold. Looking to acquire a company? Do I smell undervalued? A "no money down" opportunity? Might want to brush up on your Tom Vu seminars.

Employment

Take a job at a huge multi-global corporation where nobody remembers your name or face. On Monday 1/2/2000, go into your boss’ office and ask him why he hasn’t given you 100 raises let alone adjusted your income for inflation.

The Challenge

That’s why I’m soliciting people from around the world to start spreading the word about The Y2K Celebration. Go to your bank, credit institution, boss, congressman, or anyone else that’s holding your money and tell them to stop worrying about Y2K. Explain that on 1/1/2000, computers are going to start spewing out gum and candy to all the people that didn’t screw with them. If you have to, make up some elaborate conspiracy theory. Or tell them it’s all just a big promotional gimmick for Spielberg’s next dinosaur movie. The point is less public fear means less work, which translates into huge computer screw-ups and therefore tremendous opportunities for you and me. One man can’t do it alone. We have to work together. Get them focused on something else, like how cool Dick Clark’s Rockin’ Eve will be.

Bank Vault

On Sunday, 1/1/2000 all the bank’s computers will think it’s Monday, 1/1/1900 causing the time security on the vault to unlock. Just make sure you’re there at 8:59AM with a frosty beverage and a big duffel bag.

 

Driver’s License

When the ball drops in Times Square, so will all your driving convictions. Time to chock up on all those speeding tickets.

The negative press on The Year 2000 "Problem" could potentially ruin everything. Luckily, we have ignorance on our side. Awareness levels are extremely low - 35% in North America, 10% in Europe. Maybe Y2K supporters should think about wearing colored ribbons. While they’re figuring that out, we must work together to convince people to disregard logic just like George Orwell foresaw in 1984 when Big Brother pressure caused citizens to believe that 2+2=5.

Insurance

Born in 1969? Come Y2K you’ll be –69 years old. Actuarial tables will begin instructing insurance companies to issue refunds. Finally, single males under 30 will have their revenge.

 

Supermarkets

Food shortages will result from people celebrating the world’s biggest party. Begin stockpiling beer and pretzels to resell at huge margins.

I can’t wait. The excitement is just too much. I’m like a kid who knows he’s going to Disneyworld in December and it’s only July. I can’t enjoy the summer because all I can think about is Space Mountain.

Problem is there is one possible backlash from Y2K:

"How come my Axcess subscription suddenly stopped?"

1997, David Spark

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